Thursday, January 21, 2010

Confusion...which direction to take

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I added this photo because it really exemplifies how i feel about everything. Confusion, cluttered, a big ball of so much stuff that I just don't know which direction to take with it all. My writing, photography, music...etc. Its like, where do I go now? What do I do now? What's next?

For me I like it all and my mind sees no limitations. I see something and I want to emulate it for the experience but eventually all i do is disappoint myself because I can never do what someone else does perfectly like them. Its something that has plagued my creative life for a long time. My high standards, my perfectionist standards, my wanting to do everything right and perfect when perhaps in creativity there is no such thing.

When I was heavily in writing i wanted to emulate the greats; Dumas, Dickens, King, Rowling, Bronte's, Lawrence, Faulkner, and the list goes on and on. I'm sure inspiration hits everyone but I have always fallen victim i suppose to not having confidence in my creativity and always wanting to be like someone else. Being myself would require some courage i suppose.

I'm always looking into the future. Preparing for the last assignment took much of my time but now that its over I have an emptiness to fill and there is just so much CSI and House Md episodes one can watch before he's not living in reality anymore. I'm done getting lost like that.

I lke all aspect of photography to a point. I'm more attracted to the strange the bizarre but also the beautiful. I enjoy the creativity as in the pictures above, working with photo shop. Photography has such a broad spectrum, you can do anything and everything with it and there lies my problem. I like it all. I guess its creativity that i like more than photography. I also need self expression.

One other plague I have with my creativity is the bastardizing of it for the sake of money. This creates fear because no one wants to fuck up. I mean you get hired by a client to do what ever write a book, do a photo-shoot, bake them a pie, no one wants to fuck up. So it create fear. I was watching the Christopher Lowell show one day (he's very creative) and he said there can be no creativity when there is fear. Fear can come from all aspect. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of being laughed at and not understood. Fear of wasting your life and your time.

Last year at this time I was working two days a week, slipping into financial despair and it was freezing fucking hell. I wrote my book Vegas Suhsi during this time. There is nothing like your life falling apart at the seems to give you a tremendous push and need of a creative outlet. I wrote my screenplay My Father the Duck, on the week after I quite my job. It just poured out of me. I've read that JK Rowling's life was crap as well when she wrote Harry Potter. Maybe as artists we need chaos to create, order out of chaos.

This year, i have a full time job and My novel is there needing revision, attention, like a baby. I've left aside to cool off and don't know if I'm ready to tackle it again. It overwhelms me. I"m not very good at long term commitments. But again mabye my expectation are too high. I also put too much pressure on myself to succeed. I should just really focus on the enjoyment of it. Having fun not trying to or thinking is going to get me somewhere.

So that's one thing I"m going to stop doing. Stop thinking all this is going to get me somewhere. I think I really need to learn to have that something. You know some people wake up in the morning and they have that wonderful something that they are going to do. They go to work and when they get off they go do that thing. That's what I'm looking for that thing. Lately I've gotten into cooking. Who knows maybe I'll go try to be on Iron Chef. But for now I'll wait for inspiration to hit me.